I feel like there is a hole in my medical health.
Many of the things that are happening to me physically and psychologically aren’t easy to understand or articulate. Hence the often rambling offerings that come across these pages. But maybe together (with your patience and my perseverance) I can find the words to sound them out.
I feel myself somewhat stuck in this moment where: I’m not in the midst of chemotherapy, my stem cell transplant phase is completed (though I’m still in the throes of rebuilding and recuperating; albeit symptomlessly), and I haven’t officially begun my lifelong maintenance assignment. In many respects, relative to my early diagnosis days I feel great, but in other respects I don’t feel cured/resolved (still get winded walking up a flight of stairs).
The team reassures me that this is all normal, and I’m not so impatient that I’m frustrated that I can’t run a marathon again (never could, and don’t really want to), but I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to feel at this point. How much better will I get? Will I ever get my wind back (a manifestation of increased oxygen flow as measured by my hemoglobin level)? And is how I feel right now the way it’s going to be for-eva? If so, so be it, but I just want to know what the end of the movie looks like. I realize that I can’t just skip ahead and read the last page of the book. So, am I in a hole and still climbing out or what? I feel like there is a hole in my health.
Or maybe I just feel a hole in my heart and I’m still working through that as well. Somehow I think it’s all connected.
